Life After Loss– Keeping Relationships Alive By Remembering
About three years ago, my partner and I got engaged. The process of transitioning from the independence of single life to the interdependence of partnership is a difficult one, so we decided to seek the help and guidance of a couples therapist. This is how I met Kim, the couples therapist.
It’s difficult to express just how much Kim meant to me. She offered insight; she guided us through rupture and repair; she was a lighthouse of clarity; she held space for us to complain, for us to celebrate, for us to transform. She became one of the most influential people in my life. She became an integral part of our Sunday ritual of self-care.
And then on May 13th, 2023, we lost Kim to cancer.
Much of my work as a therapist is focused on grief and loss, processing the death of a loved one, or coming to terms with the end of life. It’s impossible to escape the relational experience of loss. And of course, I am not immune to it either. So how do I, a therapist, cope with the loss of Kim?
Dr. Lorraine Hedtke, a specialist in grief and loss, offers a different perspective– a remembering practice through story-telling. Dr. Hedtke writes, “Remembering practices aim to keep relationships alive by drawing on practices of story-telling, narrative legacy and rituals.” Oftentimes we feel powerless in facing loss. But the practice of remembering empowers us to change our relationship to death.
She writes:
“Remembering practices support the continuation of the life of stories rather than on the finality of death. When we understand that a relationship continues long after a person has died, we can appreciate how death provides opportunities for the telling of loving stories that can be formed to construct future memories and guide our way through painful life transitions that often come with the death of a loved one. We can employ the power of story to transcend physical mortality to promote the remembering of lives and the importance of maintaining connections. Not so much of a good-bye but rather the transition of a new relationship with our deceased loved ones.”
As difficult as losing Kim is, I am comforted knowing that I didn’t really lose her, but rather our relationship has transitioned. Whenever I ask my clients, “Are you taking the hot potato?” I can still hear her saying those words to me and it makes me smile. Whenever a client shares with me how they were able to repair a rupture, I’m taken back to the times when Kim would celebrate me and my partner's ability to repair our ruptures. Kim’s light and joy and story lives through me– she lives through everyone she’s touched.
