Finding Light in the Shadows of Holiday Grief

If grief and sadness is present in the midst of this holiday season, know you are not alone. I am right here with you. While the world emphasizes festivity and cheerfulness, this can be challenging for those who are grieving the absence of a loved one. Having to approach this season where we remember the familiar holiday traditions and gatherings, coping with the loss of a loved one can reshape our experiences and can cast a heavy shadow. Rituals and traditions have a hand in shaping our lives. When someone is absent, we not only mourn their presence but also realize that the ritual has changed. The joy and comfort these traditions once brought may now cast the shadows of deep sadness, loneliness and pain as we navigate new ways of commemorating these moments. Navigating grief is a complex and unpredictable ebb and flow. Amidst the grief, emotions may range, creating a nuanced landscape of feelings. It’s important to acknowledge that peace and solace can still be found during this time. Here are tips that have supported my clients in finding light in the shadows:

Power in Your Support Circle

Seek solace in the company of those who have experienced grief or show empathy towards it. Connection and unity can be powerful healers. Sharing stories about your loved one, even to those unfamiliar with them, can be therapeutic. For me, it’s those moments I get to experience a bit of light in the shadows. You might even want to consider joining a grief support group or connecting with a trained and compassionate therapist for additional support. 

Celebrate the Life of Your Loved One

Finding solace in routine practices can offer comfort during grief– light a candle, write a letter, showcase photos, play their favorite music or movies, prepare their favorite food dishes, or visit a place that reminds you of them. 

Give Yourself the Time You Need to Grieve

And finally, please recognize that each person, even within the same family, grieves uniquely. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. More often than not, the grief we experience needs the offering of gentleness and kindness towards self. Can you honor your needs? What might those needs be? For me, while the rest of the world is turning up to Mariah Carey, I turn up Radiohead and offer myself a good cry. I’ve even created a “Sad Kat” spotify playlist to honor the grief. As you navigate this process, my hope is that you remember that grief is a profound expression of love. 

Healing After the Unimagineable: Life After Suicide Loss

The aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide is a journey through the depths of grief, a path that can be isolating and filled with unimaginable pain. Coping with the profound loss of a family member or friend who died by suicide is a challenging experience. From the therapeutic space with my clients to the community space, I hope to explore with you the complexities of life after suicide loss and share insights into the process of healing and finding hope once more. 

Understanding the Grief: The grief that follows a suicide loss is complex and often intensified. It carries with it a unique blend of emotions– shock, guilt, anger, and profound sadness. Unlike other forms of loss, the stigma and misconceptions surrounding suicide can complicate the grieving process. Loved ones may find themselves struggling to reconcile their feelings, fearing judgment or misunderstanding from others. 

1. The Journey of Guilt: Survivors often face the experience of guilt and self-blame, questioning themselves about what they could have done differently to prevent the tragedy– It’s important to remember that suicide is an extremely complex and multifaceted issue and the questions and feelings of guilt are part of the difficult emotional terrain that follows suicide loss.

2. Navigating Stigma: In many cultures and communities, there is often a negative and judgemental attitude towards suicide. Society’s stigma around suicide can manifest feelings of shame and isolation for survivors. This stigma can hinder open and honest conversations about mental health and suicide, making it even more challenging for individuals to seek support. To combat the stigma, it’s important to raise awareness and the importance of seeking help when needed.

Coping with Loss: Healing after suicide loss is not a linear process, and there’s no fixed timeline for recovery. However, there are strategies and support systems that can aid in coping with this loss. 

1. Seeking Professional Help: Grief is complex and an individualized process. Therapy and counseling can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to express your emotions and work through navigating overwhelming feelings. Therapists with experience in bereavement and trauma can be helpful. 

2. Connecting with Support Groups: Joining support groups for suicide survivors can offer a sense of belonging and understanding. Sharing your experiences with others who have walked a similar path can be immensely comforting and support you in reconnecting with life.  

3. Offering Yourself Self-Care: Self-care isn’t just for the immediate aftermath of loss; it’s an essential component of long-term healing. Grief can take a toll on your physical and emotional health. Engaging in self-care practices such as exercise, nutrition and sleep can help you maintain your well-being during a challenging time. Self-care can enhance your emotional resilience to help build the emotional strength needed to navigate the ups and downs of grief. Practicing self-care activities provides a healthier coping mechanism than potentially harmful alternatives such as substance misuse or avoidance. It offers positive ways to process grief.

Finding Hope and Meaning: Recovery from suicide loss is an ongoing process, but it is possible to find hope and meaning in life once again. 

1. Remembering Your Loved One: The relationship with your loved one can transform. Many of my clients remember their loved ones by creating a memory box or shrine, write letters, celebrate special dates, plant a memorial garden, or simply share their stories with me in session.

2. Advocating for Mental Health: Many survivors find purpose in advocating for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Your voice can make a difference in helping others who may be struggling. This supports raising awareness, reducing stigma, promoting education and fostering compassionate conversations. 

3. Honoring Your Own Journey: Setting your own pace and honoring your journey means “moving through grief” versus the pressure of “getting over it.” Honoring your journey involves coming to terms with a new reality– It doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one but rather finding a way to integrate and carry their memory with you. 

Healing after the unimaginable loss of a loved one to suicide is a deeply personal journey. Remember that healing is possible, and with time and support, you can find your way back to a life filled with hope, purpose, and meaning again. 

Grief in Friendship

“Jon” felt hurt over the loss of a 22 year friendship. 

“We grew up together,” he explained. “We went to the same middle school and high school. We stayed connected throughout college and would talk practically every day. They knew all my secrets and I knew theirs. Now we’re strangers pretending as if we don’t still follow each other on instagram.” 

Losing a friend hurts– it can feel as heartbreaking as losing a romantic relationship. 

I asked “Jon” what led to the rupture in their friendship? 

He answered, “They had ended a 5 year relationship with their boyfriend and at the time I was newly engaged. My career was finally taking off and I understood they were struggling to find a career that they truly enjoyed. They were going through a difficult time and wanted a lot of my attention. I was happy to be with them, but I also struggled to split my time between showing up for them, my relationship with my partner, and my career. And I noticed every time we would get together it was always about them and never room for me to share about myself. They never asked how I was doing. So I brought it up to them and they got angry with me and told me I wasn’t a good friend. They stopped talking to me after that and now I see them on instagram with new friends going out to clubs and partying. I feel offended and hurt.”

Friendships may end for multiple reasons— priorities can take a different turn, maybe a shift in values, sometimes we change, or they change. Friendships can fizzle out or abruptly end. Either way, coping with the loss of a friendship can be painful. 

Take into consideration these mindfulness tips for coping:

1) Show Yourself Compassion: The deeper our emotional investments in individuals, the more profound the grief is. This is a time to be gentle and kind to yourself as you process the emotions that show up– it’s okay to take your time.

2) Take Your Own Well-Being into Account: Consider your physical, mental and emotional needs and make choices that prioritize your health. This might involve setting boundaries, practicing self-care, making choices that align with your values. 

For “Jon,” he is allowing himself to grieve– knowing that grief doesn’t have a set timeline as he continues to process his emotions. He recognizes he is transitioning to a new chapter in his life– newly engaged, focusing on growing his career and tending to his personal needs. 

Editor’s Note: This is a fictional story and any resemblance to any real persons and/or events (past or present) are purely coincidental in nature. 

Life After Loss– Keeping Relationships Alive By Remembering

About three years ago, my partner and I got engaged. The process of transitioning from the independence of single life to the interdependence of partnership is a difficult one, so we decided to seek the help and guidance of a couples therapist. This is how I met Kim, the couples therapist.

It’s difficult to express just how much Kim meant to me. She offered insight; she guided us through rupture and repair; she was a lighthouse of clarity; she held space for us to complain, for us to celebrate, for us to transform. She became one of the most influential people in my life. She became an integral part of our Sunday ritual of self-care.

And then on May 13th, 2023, we lost Kim to cancer.   

Much of my work as a therapist is focused on grief and loss, processing the death of a loved one, or coming to terms with the end of life. It’s impossible to escape the relational experience of loss. And of course, I am not immune to it either. So how do I, a therapist, cope with the loss of Kim? 

Dr. Lorraine Hedtke, a specialist in grief and loss, offers a different perspective– a remembering practice through story-telling. Dr. Hedtke writes, “Remembering practices aim to keep relationships alive by drawing on practices of story-telling, narrative legacy and rituals.” Oftentimes we feel powerless in facing loss. But the practice of remembering empowers us to change our relationship to death.

She writes:
“Remembering practices support the continuation of the life of stories rather than on the finality of death. When we understand that a relationship continues long after a person has died, we can appreciate how death provides opportunities for the telling of loving stories that can be formed to construct future memories and guide our way through painful life transitions that often come with the death of a loved one. We can employ the power of story to transcend physical mortality to promote the remembering of lives and the importance of maintaining connections. Not so much of a good-bye but rather the transition of a new relationship with our deceased loved ones.” 

As difficult as losing Kim is, I am comforted knowing that I didn’t really lose her, but rather our relationship has transitioned. Whenever I ask my clients, “Are you taking the hot potato?” I can still hear her saying those words to me and it makes me smile. Whenever a client shares with me how they were able to repair a rupture, I’m taken back to the times when Kim would celebrate me and my partner's ability to repair our ruptures. Kim’s light and joy and story lives through me– she lives through everyone she’s touched.  

Ready or Not, Here Change Comes!

This past week, I moved houses.

You may not always seek change, but sometimes change seeks you. Life is a series of chapters. Life transition is not the end, but rather the movement from one chapter to another– as one closes, another begins. This movement can be emotionally difficult. 

So how do we cope with life’s transitions? A loss of a loved one, a rupture of friendship, a change of jobs, or maybe even moving houses. With any loss comes grief. Pain. It’s only natural to try and avoid it, to feel the need to “get over it and move on.” But what if, instead of avoiding, we allow ourselves to experience grief in all its rich layers? Grief is informative. It teaches us what we are attached to, what we feel is important and what matters to us. 

These transitions are times to gather information. Might we make space for an intentional pause during all this movement? In that pause, might we identify opportunities that the transition is offering? What becomes clearer? What transforms? Intentional pauses make space for acceptance, make time to work through and incorporate change.

Change, as overwhelming as it may be, is also a call to new meaning and purpose.

Change clarifies our values.

Change is inevitable.

So rather than cling to the cozy familiarity of what was, might we explore what is and celebrate the exhilaration of where change takes us?

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A Reflection on Taking Up Space

On March 14th, 2023, I had the privilege of being invited by Cal State University, San Bernardino’s Queer & Trans Resource Center and Asian and Pacific Islander Center. There I had the opportunity to share my story as a queer, first-generation, Filipino-American therapist and the work I do in how I push for better representation and support for our marginalized communities. My hope for the audience was to reflect, “In a world that doesn’t always feel like there is room for our unique individuality, what does it mean for me to take up space?”

I believe it is a therapist's responsibility to practice mindfulness, to practice self of therapist, to be aware of and careful with the narratives held over marginalized groups, to practice cultural humility, to not assume, and to hold that space where our clients can come out from under the narratives people hold over them and have room to tell their own.

In honor of Trans Day of Visibility last month, I would like to share a quote from author and therapist, Lisa Olivera, from her book, “Already Enough,” that expresses, “I want to honor how hard it is for many people to keep going in a world that doesn’t make them feel wanted. You deserve an environment and space that welcomes you with open arms, that recognizes your inherent importance, that honors your uniqueness, that appreciates your gifts, and that knows your worth despite any and all differences. You matter and your existence matters, and I am so sorry this society doesn’t always make that apparent.”

Reflection Questions:

• What does it mean to “take up space” in your world? 

• How might you advocate for yourself today?

• How might you advocate for those around you today?