Self-trust in the Unknown: Supporting Your Ego through the Journey

I’m in a season of change that is requiring a whole lot of gumption to leap into the unknown and I am discovering that there are deeper layers of self-doubt and overall lack of self-trust that I didn’t know were there. 

Our ego can be both a helpful and a silly thing. Much like a seatbelt that suddenly pulls taut at the slightest jerky movement, its safety mechanism deploys to protect us as it's designed, despite there being no true threat. See, it's our ego's instinct; It's programmed to keep us safe. But just like a seat belt, if you lean forward too quickly or it senses a sudden inertia that it fears is dangerous, your ego will hold you back to keep you safe.

But what happens when everything you want lives in the unknown? What is what you desire requires a risk? What if what you want is on the other side of fear? It’s not about eradicating the fear, but learning how to move with it while teaching our ego that it is safe. 

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it" – Nelson Mandela

But what is our ego really afraid of if there's no true danger? 

Well, firstly, it's wired for stability, security, and predictability. So throw it into the unknown, and it feels like it has no stable ground to stand on. It will do everything in its power to pull that safety belt taut. But keeping us safe isn’t our ego’s only job, it also serves to define your identity, your sense of self, your place in the world, and how you distinguish yourself from others. Your ego is the “I am” that helps you know you exist. So again, thrust into a new beginning, a skill you've never tried, an identity you’ve never embodied, a change in career, or a complete life transition, and it will think the “I” it knew itself to be is literally dying. Dramatic, I know, but it’s not wrong. When you make a big change, leap into the unknown, or go through a major transformation, it requires you to become a version of you you've never been before. Even more so, it will ask you to surrender an older, familiar version of you who might even be holding you back from stepping into more. You have to practice new beliefs, feel new emotions, think new thoughts, do new actions, and engage in new behavior. To become the version of you that has what it wants, you have to practice being that person with the fear. Until one day, the ego realizes this is your new identity, and you've survived the scary part day after day, and there is no reason to have the fear anymore because it’s just who you are now.

In order to willingly embrace the fear, sometimes you have to get so sick of the sadness and frustration that arises when you realize you are the only thing in the way of living your life to the fullest, opening up to aliveness, enjoying the messy process, feeling confident, and trusting in yourself. 

Most people will say they wish they just felt confident enough to embark into the unknown. 

But to feel confident is actually having secure, deep-rooted self-trust. Self-trust is molded through trial and error. Self-trust is cultivated through real, messy exposure. Self-trust is discovered in the fog of the unknown. Self-trust is the flashlight that lights your path until you get to the clearing, and the relief washes over you. Confidence is being able to employ that skill again the next time you find yourself on another unclear path. Confidence isn't being all-knowing. Confidence isn't always getting it right. Confidence is being able to hold yourself with deep, self-trust. And that can only be gained through experience. If you wait till you feel absolutely certain and like your most confident self without doing anything differently, you’ll be waiting a long time.

So, what are you waiting for? A green light? A stamp of approval? A signed, sealed package of evidence? A permission slip? Someone to validate your parking?!

There's not going to be a magical moment or day where a light switch is going to flip from debilitating imposter syndrome and self-doubt to immediate, unshakable self-trust and confidence. That's not going to happen. It builds over time through the small, steady, consistent moments. 

You’ll discover the strong self-trust you aspire to hold by how you show up when your confidence is the most shaken.

How you meet yourself in debilitating self-doubt is how you become the person who no longer feels crippled by it. It’s forged by being brave enough to trust yourself when doubt is deafening. It's strengthened by stepping confidently into the unknown when fear is paralyzing.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." — Joseph Campbell

During the season of change I’m navigating, I’m embracing that it is more enjoyable to get messy, not know, figure it out, enjoy yourself, relax, and be on your side than it is to cling to a false illusion of control and certainty that only leaves you feeling sad, insecure, regretful, and incompetent from lack of experience.

I have two parts at war: my scared inner child using self-doubt as a seatbelt and the confident adult me who knows I’m ready and capable of more. But I must be the bridge that honors this knowing while holding the hand of my inner child. Letting her know it’s safe to explore the unknown by trusting her instincts as her guide. It’s safe to be scared while she bravely lets her confidence shine as she makes her way through the uncertainty.

I’m not afraid—I’m courageous.

I’m not clueless—I’m learning.

I’m not stumbling—I’m exploring.

I’m not lost—I’m discovering.

The Inner Child: Your True North Star

Trust in them and you trust in you. They are your guiding light in this life.

We all have an inner child within us.

In fact, we hold remnants of every age we’ve ever been and continue to be with every passing year. Our inner child is our truest, purest, unfiltered, unadulterated, raw, authentic, core essence of who we are. Who we innately are before the world around us influences us, before the life experiences that shape us. A time before we were overly conscious of ourselves, a time of pure presence, a time of awe and wonder because everything was new, a time before we were taught subjective beliefs of good and bad, a time when joy was so easily sparked, a time where your likes and dislikes were instinctual, a time of just being in our existence.

Some people are lucky to have these moments in childhood, and even luckier to have this way of life sustained throughout their adulthood. Some people, unfortunately, aren’t as lucky as to even have conscious memories of this time, an innocent gift stolen from them before they even had the opportunity to feel nostalgic for it. Some people walk around the world with neglected, forgotten, abandoned, or lost inner children inside them. But they never leave you.

They are often tucked away in the shadows and make a loud appearance when they're upset. They’ve felt shunned by the world or the people in it, and then shunned by their adult self, so they don’t feel safe to come up to the light. They might have been shut down, unheard, or ignored, so they don’t think you'll listen to their joy, humor, passions, or interests, let alone their pain, sadness, and heartache. They’ll often try making themselves known when they dislike something, when a painful memory surfaces, when they really long for something, when they are holding pain they can't bear to hold anymore. They will make themselves known with brewing rage, tears stuck in the lump in your throat, a panic attack to crack you open, a burst of frustration, a somber yearning for what they see in others; they think, “This is surely going to get their attention.” But when you choose to ignore, shut down, numb, belittle, judge, dismiss, or abandon them with their desperately loud attempts at reconnection, the inner child will stay away until you earn their trust back.

“Your inner child is waiting for a genuine, heartfelt apology.”― Yong Kang Chan

Until you help them feel safe and wanted again, they will hide from you.

When your adult self embodies and dishes out the pain of judgment, dismissal, rejection, and abandonment, your inner child will go quiet. You’ve taught them it's safer to stay away from you, just like the people who've hurt them before. But what they hold is golden, its truth, its purity, its guidance, it’s beautiful, it’s you. You may walk around the world not knowing why you’re not enjoying life anymore, why you’re in a job you hate, why you’re not fulfilled in relationships, or not knowing why you feel frustrated or sad meanwhile you're inner child, the truth of your being, your innate core essence, has been conditioned to keep their mouth shut because they've learned why bother. You don't listen.

So it's your job to make them feel safe again. You have to prove to them you are a safe adult they can trust, or you do not get the privilege of their purity, the beauty of their unfiltered truth, the peace of their clear guidance. What they possess is sacred, and they won't bear their vulnerable heart just to be hurt again. They want to know: Will you honor and embrace me with acceptance, respect, softness, care, kindness, grace, forgiveness, and love?"

The most potent muse of all is our own inner child."— Stephen Nachmanovitch

Because when you do, you will discover the riches they hold.

The lost gold of your youth, innocence, purity, authenticity, joy, peace, passion, enthusiasm, and wonder. A treasure trove of magic, intuition, truth, awareness, guidance, clarity, and direction. Our inner child carries our deepest pain. We tend to want to avoid that and never go through what feels unbearable; naturally so. But we often don't realize that what also gets locked away is our joy. Our zest for life, our hope, our self-expression, our intuition, our trust, our flow, our inspiration, our curiosity, our presence, our ability to discern what is best for us. When you are brave enough to rescue your inner child, your true self, from your own captivity, when you realize the safety of avoidance outweighs the joy in your life, when you realize they were only hiding from shame that was adopted from someone else's subjective judgment, you will discover the home you’ve been waiting for, the love you've been seeking, the hope you've been needing, the clarity you've been searching for, the joy you've been craving, the fulfillment you've been chasing. It's been within you all along.

“Who you are, what your values are, what you stand for, they are your anchor, your North Star. You won't find them in a book. You'll find them in your soul.”–Anne M. Mulcahy

You just had to be courageous enough to face yourself. To love yourself. To return to a time when you felt safe to just be; be present, be free, be yourself. You just have to show your inner child gentleness and compassion for all they've been carrying by themselves so they can feel safe again to live this life with you side by side. When you do this, they will slowly, cautiously, and quietly start whispering their wants, needs, and feelings to you again. These soft bids for attention will soon get louder, more emotional, more excitable, and more audible as their trust in you is rebuilt. Their sanctuary with you is strengthened every time you listen, every time you validate, every time you take action on their behalf. Every time you see them and let them know that they matter. Every time you treat them with the love they have always been worthy and innately deserving of.

Remember, just like a real child, you don't let them drive the car (because who wants a child to be in charge of the wheel). You’re not meant to follow every impulse, react to every feeling, or indulge in every desire. But we want them in the backseat, safe in a car seat where they are protected and can share how they feel while you’re in the driver’s seat. Just like a parent, you get to have the important, honorable job of learning how to protect, love, nourish, and consider this child. Not every feeling is fact, but it is always valid. Not every impulse should be acted upon, but it's good to listen and get curious about its motivation. Not every desire should be indulged in, but it deserves to be acknowledged and considered for reasonable ways to fulfill it when appropriate. A young child would be lost if we let them lead the way, but it’s valuable for their development when you help teach them how to take their innate wisdom and refine it with the life experience you have as the adult. We listen to their feelings, we validate their experience, we take the valuable insight and information they are offering us, and we make a choice that both honors our adult self and them.

“To be more childlike, you don't have to give up being an adult. The fully integrated person is capable of being both an adult and a child simultaneously. Recapture the childlike feelings of wide-eyed excitement, spontaneous appreciation, cutting loose, and being full of awe and wonder at this magnificent universe.”– Wayne Dyer

Because their wisdom will be your guiding North Star.

They know the truth of you; what gets under your skin, what's wounded you, what heals you, what comforts you, what brings you joy, what makes you laugh, what excites you, what irritates you, what angers you, what you love. If you listen and honor all of that, how could it steer you wrong? Your inner child knows instinctively how to respect your boundaries, what emotions need to be felt, what needs need to be communicated, what dynamics you would like to shift, what wants you would like to incorporate into your life, what passions want to be prioritized, what incites enjoyment and pleasure, what creative pursuits and hobbies you want to take leisure in, what your curiosity wants to learn more about, what feels soothing and activating to your nervous system, what your unbridled self-expression feels like, what choices honor your entirety.

“Explorers depend on the North Star when there are no other landmarks in sight. The same relationship exists between you and your right life, the ultimate realization of your potential for happiness. I believe that a knowledge of that perfect life sits inside you just as the North Star sits in its unaltering spot.”–Martha Beck

Your inner child is your North Star, it is a constant you can trust.

A fixed point you can rely on.Direction that honors you and your highest good.Dependable guidance when you're lost.A beacon of hope during dark, difficult times.Stability amidst the chaos of change and uncertainty.A link to higher wisdom and intuition.A shepherding light illuminating a life in integrity with your values and beliefs.A pathway to live a life full of expression and joy.Your inner child loves you, they are you. Listen to them and you listen to you. Trust in them and you trust in you. They are your guiding light in this life, they are your true North Star.

Sincerely,
Stephanie

Perfectionism & Judgment: Shame's commendable disguise and its sneaky companion

Perfectionism & Judgment

Shame’s commendable disguise and its sneaky companion.

I’ve struggled with perfectionism my entire life. For me, it has been a scheming motivator underneath my high-achieving and ambitious nature. One of the main ways it started to make itself painfully known to me was through my black and white thinking; all or nothing.

High Expectations = High Stakes = High Mistakes

Perfectionism is highly praised, applauded, accepted, and even encouraged. Perfectionism is regarded for its attention to detail, incredible work ethic, honorable dedication, impeccable rightness, constant productivity, immaculate results, consistent high performance, pristine presentation, and remarkable success.

• But what if you missed a really important detail on a project and only noticed it after you submitted it?

• What if you are multitasking and fall short of a crucial deadline?

• What if you are sick or burned out and struggling to convince yourself to use one of your many sick days?

• What if you get feedback about a shortcoming or an area of growth from a friend or colleague?

• What if you want to enjoy a hobby or a leisurely activity but it doesn’t feel like a productive use of time?

• What if you put in your best effort and the results don’t meet the vision you expected or built up in your head?

• What if you accidentally hurt someone's feelings, sang the wrong note, or missed a step when walking in front of other people?

• What if you don’t look as put-together and attractive when someone you like sees you in public?

• What if you are denied or rejected from an opportunity or person you admire?

How do you feel about yourself then? If after reading those you imagined yourself in one or more of those scenarios wincing, cringing, flushing, crying, or all of the above, then you might want to continue reading.

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My Relationship with Perfectionism

Perfectionism ingrained a sense of urgency in me. A hyperfixation on right and wrong. Good and bad. With a blatant disregard for nuance and a lack of consideration for complexity.

Perfectionism robbed me of years of silliness, fun, messiness, laughter, funny-to-look-back-on memories, new experiences, self-trust, “happy accidents” as Bob Ross would say, joy and love.

Perfectionism hijacked the authority over my own thoughts and I developed excruciatingly distressing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). A silent war I’ve battled my whole life underneath the outward appearance of having it all together. I had already been praised for my high-functioning mask so it was an invisible struggle that I learned to fight quietly. Meanwhile, it cost me many sleepless nights, days I could have spent outside or making art, peace in the present, and, almost, my 8-year-strong relationship.

For a long time, I didn’t realize not everyone’s brain worked the same as mine. I thought it was normal. Normal to have a ruthless judicator within my mind scrutinizing every choice I make. Normal to have a scary voice that told me I would die if I didn't finish reading a book page by a certain time when I was a child. Normal to have a looming ominous feeling that something bad would happen if my clothes didn’t fit quite right. Normal to fear life or death with any decisions that could be life-changing (or at least seemed that way.) Normal to feel like a bad person, a fraud, an imposter anytime I make a mistake or experience dichotomy. Normal to ruminate tirelessly and spend hours researching to keep fear at bay.

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What I’ve learned throughout my life and through my background in psychology and counseling, is that perfectionism is a coping mechanism to ease or prevent shame

If you believe that mistakes are bad, shame.

Perfectionism says never make a mistake.

If you believe you’re messed up for feeling two contrasting things at once, shame.

Perfectionism says something is wrong.

If you believe distress or discomfort means you’re bad, shame.

Perfectionism says always be right.

If you believe not knowing in the face of uncertainty is bad, shame.

Perfectionism says you should always know what's best.

If you believe that flaws make you defective, shame.

Perfectionism says, well, be perfect.

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Perfectionism tries to beat shame to the punch.

It tries to avoid shame at all costs. But where does this shame come from? I used the word believe intentionally as it all stems from what we believe to be true. I had no idea other people didn’t carry the belief that making mistakes was bad and shameful. That having flaws or being messy didn't mean anything shameful or bad about you. It's all about the beliefs we carry, where we learned them, how we learned them, and what those beliefs attach to.

When I read the following statement, it changed my entire perspective of perfectionism and its relationship to shame.

Shame is when we aren’t giving ourselves permission to be human.

For me, this was a game-changer for my approach to self-compassion and self-love.

Human. Huh? I thought, “I’ve been shaming myself for my.. humanness?” No wonder this has felt so awful, I’m not giving myself grace and compassion for being a human.”

Humans are capable of being messy, imperfect, flawed, unattractive, unflattering, disappointing, frustrating. But humans are also capable of being incredible, beautiful, heart-warming, comforting, funny, kind, loving, and so much more.

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Want to find out where your sneaky pockets of shame are?

Let's talk about judgment.

When you are hypercritical of yourself, you can also be more hypercritical of other people.

The expectations and standards you hold yourself to can be the ones you expect and hold others to as well. The beliefs and judgments you hold for yourself can be conveniently projected onto other people who display certain qualities or characteristics. How we react to another person in this context can reveal something about how we respond to ourselves behind closed doors.

“When you understand that every opinion is a vision full of personal history, you will begin to understand that every judgment is a confession” -Nikola Tesla

Being judgmental, critical, or agitated by someone else who is minding their own business and living their best life without doing anything intentionally harmful, can provide an opportunity for deep self-reflection with rich rewards.

Judgment serves to disconnect, to separate, to create space or distance from that which is being judged. It was one of the ways my OCD tried to cunningly pull focus from the true emotions that needed my attention but ironically, to its demise, led me straight to it.

When you let yourself sit with your judgment or irritation, it will often illuminate something you shame within yourself. It points to a place where you don't believe that you are worthy of love and belonging if you were to express that yourself. Other people act as a mirror whose blinding reflection can be quite jarring to the ego so it will whip out judgment as its main defense saying “Get me as far from that thing as possible because I would be completely unlovable if I got anywhere close to that.”

“That person is SO loud!”

Do you shame yourself for how much space you take up in a room?

“Wow I can’t believe she wore that out of the house.”

Do you shame yourself for experimenting and playing with your self-expression?

“Oh that doesn't look very good, I could have made it better myself.”

Do you shame yourself if your best efforts don't meet your high standard and only try something unless you know you’ll be good at it?

“Did you notice so and so left their job? Seems like an irresponsible choice to me!!”

Do you shame yourself if you take a risk or make a bold move that may or may not succeed?

“That is SO embarrassing, they should never try doing that again.”

Do you shame yourself when you don’t like the outcome or make a mistake when learning something new?

“What they created is just not that good, they shouldn't even bother.”

Do you shame yourself when you express yourself freely and imperfectly just for the fun of it?

“Who do they think they are? They are coming off SO egotistical.”

Do you shame yourself for loving yourself and walking through life with unapologetic confidence?

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How about them apples?! But seriously, here is the important part!

Did you see yourself in any of those or find yourself recounting a similar scenario? How do you meet yourself?

Are you embarrassed? Meet yourself with acceptance for your humanness.

Are you annoyed? Meet yourself with patience for your humanness.

Are you angry? Meet yourself with humility for your humanness.

Are you ashamed? Meet yourself with love for your humanness.

No shame for any of these responses! You are human and sometimes we fall into this ego-protecting judgmental trap. Nobody is perfect. You wouldn’t want to be anyway.

Mistakes lead to learning.

Failures lead to creativity.

Disappointments lead to redirection.

Embarrassments lead to graciousness.

Feedback leads to perspective.

Imperfections lead to uniqueness.

Discomfort leads to growth.

Unintended results lead to unexpected outcomes.

Perfectionists think control will keep them safe from shame. But more often than not, it will keep all the aspects that make life exciting, memorable, and worth living at bay. You, me, and all of us are imperfectly perfect.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

The Lightcast Podcast S3E10: The Finale

S3:10 Embracing Evolution: The Lightcast Finale

On the final episode of The Lightcast Podcast, I talk about how listening and following the nudges to make a change can lead to a more authentic and satisfying life. I discuss how the more we can fill our own cup the more we can have the inner resources to selflessly give, provide for our communities, and do our part for collective evolution. I share a reflection exercise and questions to invite you to shine a light on what area of your life is calling for you to embrace personal evolution.

The Lightcast Podcast S3E09: Unconscious Control in Relationships & Avoidance of Deeper Emotions

S3:09 Unconscious Control in Relationships & Avoidance of Deeper Emotions  

On this episode of The Lightcast Podcast, I talk about how controlling your external world, even when done unconsciously with no malice, can be a tactic to control the discomfort in your inner world. I discuss how control is a protective mechanism that gives you the illusion of safety by avoiding the vulnerability that comes with surrendering into your emotional world.

From trying to solve your partner’s problems to avoiding difficult conversations, I share a myriad of examples to shine a light on how common it is to unconsciously control in relationships as a way to control the discomfort with your own emotions.

The Lightcast Podcast S3E08: Releasing Old Identities & Forging New Paths

On this episode of The Lightcast Podcast, I talk about feeling called to change courses in life. I discuss how sometimes we make an identity out of old versions of ourselves, relationships, jobs, and what happens when it no longer feels true to you.

Whether we call this change, revelations, midlife crisis, quarter-life crisis, or soul searching, there is an aspect of ourselves wanting to course correct. I shine a light on how to navigate the uncertainty and doubt of forging a new, unknown path.