Self-trust in the Unknown: Supporting Your Ego through the Journey
I’m in a season of change that is requiring a whole lot of gumption to leap into the unknown and I am discovering that there are deeper layers of self-doubt and overall lack of self-trust that I didn’t know were there.
Our ego can be both a helpful and a silly thing. Much like a seatbelt that suddenly pulls taut at the slightest jerky movement, its safety mechanism deploys to protect us as it's designed, despite there being no true threat. See, it's our ego's instinct; It's programmed to keep us safe. But just like a seat belt, if you lean forward too quickly or it senses a sudden inertia that it fears is dangerous, your ego will hold you back to keep you safe.
But what happens when everything you want lives in the unknown? What is what you desire requires a risk? What if what you want is on the other side of fear? It’s not about eradicating the fear, but learning how to move with it while teaching our ego that it is safe.
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it" – Nelson Mandela
But what is our ego really afraid of if there's no true danger?
Well, firstly, it's wired for stability, security, and predictability. So throw it into the unknown, and it feels like it has no stable ground to stand on. It will do everything in its power to pull that safety belt taut. But keeping us safe isn’t our ego’s only job, it also serves to define your identity, your sense of self, your place in the world, and how you distinguish yourself from others. Your ego is the “I am” that helps you know you exist. So again, thrust into a new beginning, a skill you've never tried, an identity you’ve never embodied, a change in career, or a complete life transition, and it will think the “I” it knew itself to be is literally dying. Dramatic, I know, but it’s not wrong. When you make a big change, leap into the unknown, or go through a major transformation, it requires you to become a version of you you've never been before. Even more so, it will ask you to surrender an older, familiar version of you who might even be holding you back from stepping into more. You have to practice new beliefs, feel new emotions, think new thoughts, do new actions, and engage in new behavior. To become the version of you that has what it wants, you have to practice being that person with the fear. Until one day, the ego realizes this is your new identity, and you've survived the scary part day after day, and there is no reason to have the fear anymore because it’s just who you are now.
In order to willingly embrace the fear, sometimes you have to get so sick of the sadness and frustration that arises when you realize you are the only thing in the way of living your life to the fullest, opening up to aliveness, enjoying the messy process, feeling confident, and trusting in yourself.
Most people will say they wish they just felt confident enough to embark into the unknown.
But to feel confident is actually having secure, deep-rooted self-trust. Self-trust is molded through trial and error. Self-trust is cultivated through real, messy exposure. Self-trust is discovered in the fog of the unknown. Self-trust is the flashlight that lights your path until you get to the clearing, and the relief washes over you. Confidence is being able to employ that skill again the next time you find yourself on another unclear path. Confidence isn't being all-knowing. Confidence isn't always getting it right. Confidence is being able to hold yourself with deep, self-trust. And that can only be gained through experience. If you wait till you feel absolutely certain and like your most confident self without doing anything differently, you’ll be waiting a long time.
So, what are you waiting for? A green light? A stamp of approval? A signed, sealed package of evidence? A permission slip? Someone to validate your parking?!
There's not going to be a magical moment or day where a light switch is going to flip from debilitating imposter syndrome and self-doubt to immediate, unshakable self-trust and confidence. That's not going to happen. It builds over time through the small, steady, consistent moments.
You’ll discover the strong self-trust you aspire to hold by how you show up when your confidence is the most shaken.
How you meet yourself in debilitating self-doubt is how you become the person who no longer feels crippled by it. It’s forged by being brave enough to trust yourself when doubt is deafening. It's strengthened by stepping confidently into the unknown when fear is paralyzing.
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." — Joseph Campbell
During the season of change I’m navigating, I’m embracing that it is more enjoyable to get messy, not know, figure it out, enjoy yourself, relax, and be on your side than it is to cling to a false illusion of control and certainty that only leaves you feeling sad, insecure, regretful, and incompetent from lack of experience.
I have two parts at war: my scared inner child using self-doubt as a seatbelt and the confident adult me who knows I’m ready and capable of more. But I must be the bridge that honors this knowing while holding the hand of my inner child. Letting her know it’s safe to explore the unknown by trusting her instincts as her guide. It’s safe to be scared while she bravely lets her confidence shine as she makes her way through the uncertainty.
