Self-Compassion is Key
It may not solve life’s troubles, but it can soften them. But don't be fooled by its gentleness, self-love is hardcore.
Please be advised this piece covers sensitive material related to self-harm.
As someone whose personal healing journey involved scaffolding self-compassion where there was none and whose career over the last 7 years has focused on supporting people through the same process, I loathe when people make condescending remarks about self-love work.
I’ve heard and seen countless comments like:
Self-love is BS
Oh, like taking a bubble bath is going to fix it *condescending tone
Ooo so repeating affirmations is going to magically change how I feel
Sure, Self-care is the answer to all my problems cue sarcasm
Self-love journey, *scoffs* how cheesy
Something to the effect of how flowery, dainty, silly, and superficial it is. And WOW, how these comments showcase how little these people know about what going on a self-love journey and cultivating deeper self-compassion really entails.
If you’ve ever been so brave to traverse this territory, you would know self-love is not for the faint of heart.
A “self-love journey” is a layered experience of unearthing all your wounds, shadows, pain, insecurities, and darkness, and learning to love yourself there. To be compassionate with yourself when it feels impossible or when you feel like you least deserve it. Self-compassion is how you integrate the parts of you you’d prefer to avoid, hide, reject, abandon, and shame. On this journey, you come to accept how all those reactions were, ironically, your way of shielding yourself from feeling all of your vulnerability. This journey is where you learn your emotions are actually safe and you don’t need a shield to protect you from feeling your pain.
It is raw, messy, vulnerable, exposing, ugly, harrowing, uncomfortable, tough, and grueling. But it is equally relieving, transforming, alchemizing, unburdening, uplifting, empowering, enlightening, strengthening, and life-changing.
“Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle?”
― Nitya Prakash
Before I studied psychology and counseling, before I dove deep into my own healing, I struggled with self-hatred.
Ruthless self-criticism, nasty negative self-talk, poor tolerance for distressing emotions, no emotional regulation skills, a core belief that I deserved to be punished when I was suffering, numbing myself from feeling my pain, scrutinizing what I saw in the mirror, and self-harming.
If you’ve ever been as mean and cruel to yourself as I was, you would know cultivating self-love isn't dainty.
I had to choose softness when I wanted to hit myself and savor the sting. I had to choose gentleness when I wanted to tear myself down mercilessly. I had to choose compassion when I wanted to shame myself till I was a tiny ball in the corner. I had to choose forgiveness when I wanted to guilt myself into being physically sick to my stomach. I had to choose acceptance when I wanted to be anyone else in the world but me. I had to choose compassionate surrender instead of gripping to my suffering. I had to choose love when I wanted to brutally kick myself till I couldn’t get back up.
"Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts."
— Bianca Sparacino
This meant choosing to honor my sensitivity rather than resent or hide it. This meant choosing to communicate with patience to myself and others when I wanted to react impulsively. This meant choosing to surrender to the outpour of tears rather than stuff them down behind an angry facade. This meant choosing to speak loving words to myself instead of allowing the mean voice in my head to overpower me. This meant choosing to find acceptance with all my imperfections instead of making myself feel unworthy of love for being a flawed human. This meant choosing to express myself unapologetically instead of suppressing myself so I didn’t have to face rejection. This meant choosing to have honest, hard conversations instead of avoiding discomfort or suffering in silence. This meant choosing to honor my needs and boundaries instead of abandoning myself to ease the discomfort of others. This meant choosing to move my body, put on a comfort movie, and show myself kindness instead of punishing myself with not eating when hungry or losing hours to a dissociative void state. This meant choosing to feel and embrace the fullness of all of my emotions instead of trying to understand them and find a solution to make them go away. This meant choosing to show deep reverence for my humanity instead of avoiding, shaming, or muting my human experience. Self-compassion was the key to accessing this new choice.
This is what a self-love journey looks like, this is what self-compassion looks like. And it's not all sunshine and rainbows or commercialized self-care, and it’s certainly not a cakewalk. But, I can tell you it is so worth it.
I had to make the choice to be compassionate every single day, and you know what? It actually feels like my instinct now rather than an intentional redirection. If it's not my automatic thought, it's at least a close second. Of course, my inner critic still rears its head (heck, it’s in the background as I write this), but it's so much easier to lean into softness, vulnerability, and self-compassion after making this life-long commitment to loving myself.
"The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself."
—Maya Angelou
It might seem like self-love and self-compassion are interchangeable but there’s a reason the title of this piece says self-compassion is the key. While both love and compassion involve caring for others, love is a deep feeling of affection and attachment, while compassion is a feeling of sympathy and concern for someone's suffering, often accompanied by a desire to alleviate that suffering. I say self-compassion is the key because of its natural concern for someone’s suffering and desire to alleviate it versus self-love’s deep affection. I don't know about you but when I’m crying or having a bad day it feels much more comforting to feel someone's care and concern vs their affection for me. It is our basic human need to feel cared for. That someone cares about our pain, hurt, grief, loneliness, and our struggles.
“I learned…that sometimes there is just very little in life we can control. But one thing we can always control is how we treat ourselves. And that one thing can change everything.”
—Leanna Tankersley
Now, I know that self-compassion isn’t a cure-all. It can’t fix mistakes, heartache, tragedies, illness, or loss. But it does help mend the pain in your heart. We may not be able to control what happens to us, what life circumstances unexpectedly strike us, what unfair events we may endure, what unfathomable hurts we may experience, or how much connection, friendship, family, or love we have in our lives. But when you give, treat, and speak to yourself compassionately as you weather life’s challenges or encounter inevitable suffering, you show yourself that you care about what you’re going through. You express concern for the suffering you are withstanding. You hold a desire for the alleviation of the pain you’re feeling. It communicates to yourself that: Your emotions matter. Your pain matters. Your experience matters. You matter. And sometimes, all we need is a compassionate witness. Sadly, some of us aren't fortunate enough to always have a compassionate witness alongside us. More often, we experience some of our deepest pain alone. Because you are the only person who will ever truly know exactly how you feel. You are the only person who gets to experience what it feels like to be alive in your body during this life. And while you await, the people, community, support systems, relief, and pockets of joy you deserve to make life more bearable, I hope you know, who better to be a compassionate witness for your uniquely complex human experience, other than you.
Sincerely,
Stephanie
