Coping With Grief During the Holidays

With the holiday season approaching, we recognize that this time of year can stir up complex emotions, especially for those navigating grief. To help you find balance and comfort, here are some supportive tips to process and manage strong feelings while honoring the holiday season.

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Grief in Friendship

“Jon” felt hurt over the loss of a 22 year friendship. 

“We grew up together,” he explained. “We went to the same middle school and high school. We stayed connected throughout college and would talk practically every day. They knew all my secrets and I knew theirs. Now we’re strangers pretending as if we don’t still follow each other on instagram.” 

Losing a friend hurts– it can feel as heartbreaking as losing a romantic relationship. 

I asked “Jon” what led to the rupture in their friendship? 

He answered, “They had ended a 5 year relationship with their boyfriend and at the time I was newly engaged. My career was finally taking off and I understood they were struggling to find a career that they truly enjoyed. They were going through a difficult time and wanted a lot of my attention. I was happy to be with them, but I also struggled to split my time between showing up for them, my relationship with my partner, and my career. And I noticed every time we would get together it was always about them and never room for me to share about myself. They never asked how I was doing. So I brought it up to them and they got angry with me and told me I wasn’t a good friend. They stopped talking to me after that and now I see them on instagram with new friends going out to clubs and partying. I feel offended and hurt.”

Friendships may end for multiple reasons— priorities can take a different turn, maybe a shift in values, sometimes we change, or they change. Friendships can fizzle out or abruptly end. Either way, coping with the loss of a friendship can be painful. 

Take into consideration these mindfulness tips for coping:

1) Show Yourself Compassion: The deeper our emotional investments in individuals, the more profound the grief is. This is a time to be gentle and kind to yourself as you process the emotions that show up– it’s okay to take your time.

2) Take Your Own Well-Being into Account: Consider your physical, mental and emotional needs and make choices that prioritize your health. This might involve setting boundaries, practicing self-care, making choices that align with your values. 

For “Jon,” he is allowing himself to grieve– knowing that grief doesn’t have a set timeline as he continues to process his emotions. He recognizes he is transitioning to a new chapter in his life– newly engaged, focusing on growing his career and tending to his personal needs. 

Editor’s Note: This is a fictional story and any resemblance to any real persons and/or events (past or present) are purely coincidental in nature. 

Transformative Grief

Autumn and winter are seasons of shedding, releasing, and rest. It marks the ending of a cycle and the beginning of a respite. Within this space of darkness and stillness, we can focus on our dreams and desires before we can manifest them or plant seeds when the "light returns" in the spring. If you look all around us, nature welcomes this theme of change, death, and grief. But what is often overlooked, is the creative, transformative energy of grief.

If we intentionally sat in our bodies and somatically felt every curve and every crevice of grief from the inside out, what would it feel like? My own grief felt subtle at first –intuitively knowing there was upcoming change. The feeling bled like watercolor on parchment, gently and silently moving in. Then it hit me like glass shattering on the floor –that startled gasp of air, that punch in the stomach. And it’s like my body just sank and there’s this heaviness that makes it hard to breathe fully and deeply again. Right around here is when I try to push it down, avoid it, make myself go numb, trying not to allow it to reach my eyes and turn into tears. If I’m successful and it gets put on hold, it’s like this stuck pocket of air, but when it releases, it’s like this wave of sorrow that feels raw and visceral.

I allow myself to surrender and be carried into a moment of stillness and calm. But something feels like –like I’m unknowingly wearing my favorite sweater inside out and it’s this feeling of home mixed with unease and discomfort. I become aware of the absence and emptiness around me, and then it starts all over again. I can see nature reflected in my soft and slow movements, and in the way, my feelings can shift so gradually back into sadness like the color-changing leaves or the haphazard rain showers. It’s oddly comforting, knowing I’m not alone and that the trees outside are going through their own death and rebirth. And if I perceive nature as my model, I can see how fearlessly and gently it welcomes this idea of change. For the natural world, death isn’t an ending –it’s part of this endless cycle of growth, abundance, deterioration, death, release, and renewal. With time, my grief has shifted into the morning after a forest fire –some parts haven’t been put out yet while smoke rises from the hot, wet soil. And it’s in this space that I imagine this alchemized creation.

Tarot has always been a practice of mine, but through this period, it’s been especially helpful in navigating grief and integrating intentionally through routines and rituals. I’ve had my Tower and Death (change) moments and I feel like I’m gradually moving into the Star (hope, relief). The tarot messages I’ve been receiving have been to let go without resistance, allow life to unfold and progress, to face the shadows to get to the light, a rebirth, phoenix energy, to find balance, to take stock in how I got to where I am, recognition, stillness, to be curious, to surrender, to expand, and an invitation of playfulness.

I can choose to harvest –what have I learned? How have I grown? What role did I play in all of this? What can I take with me? What should I let go of? What needs to be burnt away?

I can choose to hibernate and rest –what wounds need tending to? What healing and grief work can I practice? What other layers are being unearthed? What needs healing? What parts of me can I nourish? What does comfort and security feel like? What space can I clear to create something new and different in its place? What can I infuse into the soil to nourish the abundance that grows in the future?

We experience parts of grief all the time –every close of a chapter, every transition, first and last days of school or a job, the passing of the year and the seasons, every interaction that turns out to be the last. When we grieve, it brings up all past experiences of grief. We mourn memories of comfort, love, happiness, fun, intimacy, and more. We can grieve what could have been and the potential of something breathtaking. Grief is like this loving energy that no longer has a place to go –and that’s the necessary spark needed for this raw creativity. It’s limitless, expansive, fierce, intuitive, and rich, and it can heal and nourish you if you surrender to it.

COVID, Holiday Grief, and Opportunity

It’s that magical time of year again where there are beautiful lights, Christmas trees, the lighting of the menorah, delicious food, and celebrating with our loved ones. Although some of this magic is still occurring, it is not how we have envisioned this season going. It has been more of a practice of surrender in what we can’t control and trust in the process and understanding we will get through this. To all of you who have suffered due to COVID: losing a loved one, having COVID and healed from it, experiencing a job loss, feeling isolated, anxious, or in fear, trips or celebrations canceled or postponed, etc., I want you to know you are not alone, and I am sending you all lots of blessings, and love. May you find peace in your heart to move forward through the rest of your year and your journey in this. May you find strength in moments you need them, and may you see the next steps to guide you to wholeness. 

I know some of you may not be able to create the holidays as you usually do with gifts, traveling to see family and loved ones, or joining together in celebration, and this may create a space of sadness. For all of you who may have lost someone due to COVID and are spending these holidays without those precious loved ones, I want you to know you are not alone. There are people around you to love and support you; reach out to them. Know the universe, angels, guides, god, or whatever higher source you believe in surrounds you in this time. Ask to feel their support and fill you with what you need. Please know that we at Gather and Grow OC are here for you and reach out if you need anything. I will be sending you all much love and blessings.

 As we step into this holiday, I want you to hold space for grief and allow it to come up and honor yourself in this. I also want you to create space for adjusting and building something beautiful from this space and all this shifting.  

Steps to help you get through this holiday season:

1. Do a burn and release on what you are missing and the sadness and let it go.

2. Do something in honor of the loved ones who have passed on due to COVID or any other reasons (write them a letter and place it under the tree, make their favorite meal, share your favorite story about them with your loved ones, do something in their honor)

3. Decorate your home, and fill it with the scents and scenery that bring joy to you this season.

4. Appreciate the moments of greatness that do come up: whether that’s a nice walk in your neighborhood, or seeing a loved one smile, or your kids saying something funny or sharing a snuggle with you. Any small moment, be present and fill your heart with joy and gratitude.

5. Find this time as an opportunity to create what you want from your holiday season and honoring this. Honor your traditions or if you are a new family, create your own traditions. It is a beautiful opportunity to connect and honor your family and build a new space for yourselves in this.

6. Get crafty, make gifts for others out of your own creativity, and get your kids involved. Have fun with this!

7. If you can’t connect with your loved ones, get inventive with online connections (zoom meal and opening of gifts, or play an interactive game together).

Create space in this time. Take the time to honor yourselves. Allow space for some reflection in ending this year and what you want to do in this upcoming year as a way of personal growth. This year brought up a lot for us all, and it’s important to honor that grief but then allow yourself to see the opportunity that has been presenting itself to you. 

Start to see what it is the universe has truly been challenging you with and make a choice in this next year to rise into your higher self and honor your true purpose in this life. See what the universe is asking you to look at, clear it, and move forward. I believe in you all and I know you can rise through this challenge. 

Honor your pace in this, and trust everyone has a divine purpose, and taking the steps to align in honoring this. All things this year came up to be addressed, let’s find our beautiful light and rise together as a community, as a nation, as individuals! 

We are all connected. Let’s bring forth that unconditional love for each other and ourselves. Trust in the light and forward movement! May you all be blessed with faith, abundance, and overflowing love to help guide you as you move forward and honor your inner selves!