The Magic of Bad Days

My name is Karley, an associate marriage and family therapist specializing in body image, and I had a Bad Day last week. One where all of the work I’ve done to claw myself free of body shame seemed minuscule in comparison.

For my first contribution to Gather & Grow OC’s wealth of uplifting content, I wanted to create a video of myself talking about my passion for body acceptance and disordered eating recovery, and as someone who typically avoids cameras like my life depends on it, I was just a bit apprehensive. Nerves aside, I felt prepared, both physically and emotionally. Then I turned on the front-facing camera. Holy moly, I was decidedly not prepared. And I’m not only talking about how difficult it is to create a well-informed/well-organized video on a topic I specialize in. That was tough, but it paled compared to the crushing wave of body hatred that overcame me.

I felt icky, and not just because of the body stuff. On top of all the usual insecurities rushing to the surface, I realized I felt ashamed of my perceived failure. I was disappointed in myself for falling back into old patterns that I thought/hoped were far behind me. Mostly, I felt like a fraud. Who was I to wax poetic about body positivity when I couldn’t even face a camera? Cue imposter syndrome!

What did I do next? Well, after deleting that cursed video, I wallowed. I allowed myself to feel the familiar sadness, anger, and resentment. Once my wounds were thoroughly licked, and after a weepy phone call or two, I felt my self-compassion coming back to me but I still wasn’t ready to go back in front of the camera. Instead of forcing something that didn’t feel right, I honored that inner boundary. I held the shame and the fear and asked myself: “What do I need to hear? What comforts do I need?” Here’s what came to me:

It’s okay to be stuck.
It’s okay to be disappointed.
It’s okay to have bad days.
You are not a bad person.
You are still unlearning and rebuilding.
You are still healing.

As I sat in this moment of messiness, I began to approach it with curiosity:

 What is this moment telling you?
What do you need to nourish yourself in this moment?

 These were the words that provided me some comfort. They helped me put aside the shame and come back to self-love.

In conclusion, Bad Days suck, but they can also be magical. Painful magic, but also the kind that reminds us to honor our fragility, messiness, and humanness. Bad Days do not negate the healing work that you have done. What I think is especially important to remember is these moments is this: you’re value as a person is not dependent on how “healed” you are. The next time a Bad Day comes, sit with the discomfort that it brings, and then ask your wounded self what nourishment it needs.

Cultivating Compassion to Face Ourselves

Hi Everyone, 

There is so much going on in the world around us and it can be difficult to understand why. 

At this moment in time, I believe it is important to address the topic of compassion as a self-reflective process and a functional tool for creating change. compassion for self, for others, for the universe. Compassion means “A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering”.This particular meaning of compassion is hugely important to our experience of these current times.

 As a person of white privilege, I have been challenging myself to go deep, to find my truth in addressing the issues in humanity, and face how I have contributed and/or benefited from them. Like many well-meaning white folks, I’ve believed that being open to all communities and cultures meant that “I wasn’t racist”. But as I continue my education and learn from the experiences and wisdom shared from the BIPOC community, I find my understanding of myself in racist systems shifting. I have found myself in spaces of my own white shame for not seeing the depth of these issues or finding ways to help.

In processing my own shame,  I have had to find compassion and self-love, so I can move through the discomfort of this shifting and understanding. I want to honor and hold sacred space for the deep wounding that has occurred in the lived experiences of BIPOC folks fighting to survive against white supremacy, while not letting my own shame stop me from learning and moving. These tools have been very helpful for me in finding that balance so that I’m accountable for what is my “work” to do. I’m working to listen more sincerely to the BIPOC population and am reading books regarding white privilege to assist me in my own reflection and process.“Me and White Supremacy” by Layla F. Saad and “White Fragility why it’s so hard for white people to talk about racism” by Robin Diangelo, and allowing myself to openly communicate with others on this topic so we can all heal and shift what has been needing to shift for centuries. It is our work as those who benefit from white supremacy. It has to begin with us.    

Compassion through love for ourselves:

1. love for our path that has brought us to this space

2. love for our willingness to be brave and continue to grow and expand

3. love for our past 

4. love and acceptance for who we are in each moment. 

Through finding love in ourselves we can create a sacred connection with our souls and find compassion for our path, and see we have been through so much in our lives but this has created us to be in the exact moment we are today which is exactly where we are meant to be. Compassion for yourself in your own path, for you also did the best you could with what tools you had at that time. If you had never reacted in anger, or sadness, or out of fear you would have never had to learn from this which has created you the beautiful opportunity of growth. With each relationship, we have ample opportunities to heal old wounds. 

Compassion for others:

1. Releasing internal shame and blame on others for your path is key to finding your own peace and happiness within. 

1a. Your family and individuals you have crossed paths with throughout your life created space for you to learn the most important lessons to grow and expand from. If they reacted differently this would not have provided you with the opportunity to practice certain tools such as ( setting boundaries, understanding what love isn’t, learning what values are important to you, using your voice in a graceful way, rising to be the teacher in your family, relationships and community) etc. These are all things to be grateful for.

2.  Love and appreciate all individuals of all paths, you may not have experienced their path, but you can step up and allow yourself to feel and hear their pain, their experiences, their journey and recognize it may be different from yours but without diversity, the world and ourselves would never expand or grow and we would have a very bland world to live in. Without this diversity we would not fulfill our own purpose in life for expansion could not exist. 

2a. Ask yourself what is this person reflecting on my own life that I need to pay attention to and shift within me?

2b. Ask yourself why does this person create feelings of anger, fear, sadness, and uncomfortableness? 

2c. Ask yourself, is this person reacting from their pain? Allow yourself to have compassion rather than placing judgment. 

2d. Ask yourself what can I do to be the light and to shift myself and how can I lead others to honor this truth? 

As you see yourself interacting with others and the world around you, be compassionate about your journey, and allow for things to come up so you can clear them. Honor who you were in the past because who you were is a gift that leads you to who you are now.  Honor others in their path and create a space of love and acceptance and appreciation for all individuals and begin to live your life in a space of compassion for all and see the beauty in each individual for who they are and their gifts they bring to this world. Each individual including yourself has entered this world with a divine purpose and it all connects us together to create a whole. Let's be the light in our path and honor this space in others.